Realize and improvise

I realize where the problem is just now when i was laying in my bed. My problem is that i am too focused at the laptop. I am trying to find something to do at my laptop rather than reading a book or even a slide of lecture notes. This seems very bad and i need to do something to change this situation. I need to put a book beside the laptop 24 hours a day and when i see the book beside me i will realize that i am too addicted to the internet and may take a look at the book. I have to keep a clear and straight mind now as i want to be more excellent than last semester. Last semester was all rubbish but i learned something out of it. So, i am not going to repeat my mistakes again this semester. No more failures, for now. I need to remind myself all the time that i am still a scholar and i am not going to stop or get kick out just like that. I cannot afford to bear the consequences if i were to be kicked out by the university. Leaders always think of the worst consequences does not mean that they will not think of the best out of it. We got to think big, think wisely and if a mistake occurs, take it as a lesson and move on. Do not do anything stupid that will harm yourself as this is useless and only makes your family more worry about you. You have to look at the present because if you do not work hard at the present time, what will happen in the future? Only God knows.

Comes right by.

How will you feel if failure comes after failure? I seriously do not like the feeling of this but it is only temporary as i am gonna change the future. Failure after failure? No problem. It is for us to learn and realise what is wrong and right. Sometimes we just cannot take things too seriously as it will cause us tension and discomfort in out heart. We have to let it go. Pain comes and goes. It does not stay long because it is for you to experience, not to stick with during your whole life. We gotta open our mind up. Some things can be done and some things cannot be done even if you forced it to. It would not happen and lessen the dreaming part. We got to look at the reality. It is not about dream anymore. It's about how you face the reality and get over it. We cannot just stop at a certain failure and be stagnant. Learn and move on so that we will not repeat the mistake again and again. What if you wanna love someone but you do not dare to? Loving someone can be painful or the other way round. It always comes back to the origin. How do you see things. Do you think that loving someone is painful? It is hard to say. When the time comes, there is no need to hold on to the end and make both sides suffer the consequences. When it is time to let go, let go. There is nothing to regret about it as you love that person truthfully and when love have to end, there is no way stopping it. You are just forcing yourself going through a harder time with the other partner and this hurts both sides. When you let go, think about the past is alright and these are all memories that is worth keeping. If you are not able to let something pass through your mind, you will carry that in your mind for a long time and it will deteriorates you physically and mentally. Like me, i am being pulled into a tough situation as i haven't let go what i should have let go long time ago. I will just thinking of it everyday and this "thing" is gonna consume me one day . Until now, i am still trying to get over it and it seems impossible but if you are willing to let it go someday in the future, you will feel much more freedom,relief and happiness around you rather than keeping those painful memories with you until you die.

Promise.

I am back at my university. It is a cold night. Everybody is asleep except me? I don't know. I am still waiting for the train to come. Waiting and waiting. I waited for more than two hours. The train is still far from where it should be. I am losing my patience. Time is running out. I am feeling colder each second. Cold wind travels into the station through wind and i can feel the chill as i am half naked. My mind is getting tired and i just keep rubbing my hands. The cold was unavoidable. I had expected the worst. This is just the starting. Wait until midnight. It could be disaster. I am sleepy and tired and my mind is reacting negatively. This is not good. I just need to have patience for a while more. I believe the train will come. It will,will it? Doubts starts to form in my brain.It was not the end of my life. The cold just keep coming and my determination did not fade just like that because i am very confident that the train will come at any time now. It is already half past two. There are nobody at the station except me and the chilling weather. I heard the sound of the animals at night and i was wondering if they could bring me to where i want to go. I start to imagine. Walls and roads start to form in front of me and i was brought into another place within my mind and the cold went off for a while. I can feel the sun above me and sweats just flow down my face and i knew that i was at the station once again at noon. I am still alone at the station and i looked around for faces. What i saw was nothing more than a station and silence had been filling the station for quite a while. I was worried. The clock had stopped and i do not know the time. Suddenly, i heard the sound of a cat calling for its children. The sound came from far far away and i did not want to follow where the sound goes as i am lost as well. I felt the cold again. It was a weird feeling because i still see the sun above me and sweats are still on my face. Am i dreaming? Is this a fantasy? Am i getting insane? I am not. At last, i saw the head of the train appear from the hillside and i knew that i was going to board the train.

Tear

I was not feeling well these few days after i left my university. This is a disaster. I don't know what is happening to me and i hope that i will recover as soon as possible. It maybe because of the air-condition i think. I did not know that my air-condition can do so much damage to me in just a few hours. Or am i still haven't recover mentally and emotionally. Yesterday i looked through the window and i was thinking i don't know what is it now. Forgotten. This cannot go any further. If this go any further, i will die soon. Joking. I am trying to get used to sleeping in my own house. This will get better soon. I am always positive, am i? Today was a bad day. I just keep sneezing and sneezing and sneezing all the way to evening after i took a sleep that i felt better. Thank god i did not bring the sneeze to the other day. Hope tomorrow i will not be sneezing again. It sucks. I have to wear my jacket and i looked good in jacket too. Not bad. No more emotions please. This is digusting and ugly. I don't wanna mix up my life with stupid emotions that bring me down to hell and bring me up again to heaven. It is painful for me and i don't wanna do this again. I just want my normal life back. Go to cousin's house for basketball, jogging around my house and have a nice day everyday. Ya. This is my life. No more any of this. I will embrace myself once and forever as i never felt this before and i guess i learn a lot from this experience and i just wanna keep this as a memory, not present.

Exception

I just need more time. To forget you. Get over with this. This poison is consuming me and i called it love. Well, it's not easy for me though. Listening to love song and remembering you is just pulling me back into the past. I don't wanna do this again. It's sickening. I don't wanna have this feeling again. Knowing that you are in kl and i cannot meet you up as i miss you so much and i knew that you not missing me the way i miss you. Love is tough and it is a deadly poison if you do not handle it with care. It's dangerous and i had been infected with this virus. The missing virus as i named it and i want to get this poison out of me as soon as possible. This is gonna be tough as i keep looking at your profile everyday and checking on you everytime i am on facebook. I have to get you out of my head as i saw hope is leaving one by one as if i am losing one million red blood cells per day and this is killing me. My hands are on my phone 24 hours wanting to message you and i know i must not message you as i know we can advance no more and it is impossible for both of us. The worst thing is that i still have a big problem with my academics and my family as well. I don't wanna put anymore pressure and burden into myself by indulging in love. I need to clear my studies now and i need more than full focus into this matter as this is my top priority now and i am still trying my best to change my attitude. The last few weeks was not my hell and now that i am at home, i will be doing a lot of work for my mum and there will be arguments as usual and i have to get over this too. Am i experiencing depression? I hope not. I got to be positive as this is just the beginning of my twenties and i don;t wanna screw it like a punctured balloon. Got to hold up and pull this through. I just want you to know that i will always have a place to put you in my heart and i don't wanna regret doing this the second time.

Holiday?

Exam just finished. Friends asked me out but i don't feel like going out. Need to reflect what i had done today. Oh god. Forget about it. It's holiday isn't it? Study without sleep and going into the hall taking the exam and after the exam,it is almost 16 hours . I need to hold on till tonight. Need to have a balanced lifestyle back. No more late night sleep. It's killing me. My eyes look like some panda eyes and i feel so tired. And my face. Destroyed despite the fact that i slept late for so many days. This is going from bad to worst. I need to go back and have treatment as soon as possible. This is not good at all. It sucks. I was shocked about my face although i know that i am not very handsome but this is gone far worst then i thought. Going out for dinner soon and i need to bath now. Continue later when i come back . Damn .

The LOAD.

OMG. Tomorrow i have another paper to go. Don't really feel like studying though. Slept 2 hours just now. Gonna start studying now after updating this blog. After this, i maybe more busy as the last 2 subjects are the subjects i plan to kill for long. No sleep and study all day is tired and i think that MCD is quite a good place study although there maybe people around and thee internet interfering. I studied well there though and i took some time to rest myself. Surf the internet for few minutes. Listen to House of MiXX. When i got back here, i don't have the feeling to study. Why? Is there something here disturbing the calmness of my soul? I don't know. I have been seeing the dawn for almost 2 weeks and this is not good. Everybody was sleeping when i was studying and everybody is studying when i was studying too. That 's a double and i don't care cause i know i can endure all this tiredness and past through this thing is a short while as i have to start to think about holiday and i thought maybe i can end this once and for all. I still have new semester coming soon though and i will not give up at this place this time this second. I don't wanna fail again and again. The feeling of not getting good results is like you are the lowest class in this so-called hierarchical university? I don't know and i don't care. I just wanna get myself out of here as fast as possible as i don't wanna face the book anymore. This is exhausting and tiring. Yet i know that this is not a problem for me and i just need to try harder. Six more days to go and i am a temporary free man. I want my life back and i want my friends back. Friends back in the past who i have lost contact with. This is so shit man. I almost lost all my KL friends and i knew that when i go back to KL, i will do not much of a thing at home except online, games and tvs. Nothing more than a kampung boy can do. I wanna change that. Being stuck at home during that period of time is suffering and i hope that i will make this holiday the beneficial one and i do not regret it again. But now, back to the books. Alright then, time is calling me.