I hope

I hope. I hope i was not that dumb in doing this. Easy said than done. I admit that i'm good in talking and not quite ok in getting it done. Giving out too much pain and disappointment s just making me a bit useful than cloth . Even the cloth makes people feel better after getting itself dirty . Maybe i had adopted attitude of take it for granted. I do feel bad sometimes and thinking some way yet it came back to the beginning of the problem. I knew i disappointed her too many times that i can be forgiven. The pain. The tears. Disappointment. Promises. Saying the same thing again and again. It's just repetitive and this may just make things worse. Everytime this happens, me as always, stunned and acted like a standing wood and just as still as the sea. Yes, i do feel useless at times for not able to figure out the solutions and ways to tackle or overcome the awkwardness. The silence filling all the room for conversation and it stayed there for as long as possible until i can say something out from my mouth. I do enjoy all the happy moments and i do not one time regret what i've done with her. But when it comes to this, i can say that i'm just like a person that can't talk at that moment. Where's the time when i can talk just anything? Where i can make her smile again and again? I wish i can bring less pain and disappointment and give out more happiness and love. I knew this is not the end. This is just the beginning. I know i can fix it. Matter is how?

My daddy

I miss you,dad. I miss spending time with you and having breakfast together every sunday morning. I miss when you calls me and ask how am i doing. I miss the time when you and mom come to my university to visit me . My dad is a jovial person. He always like to joke about silly stuff(i suppose) and my friends will comment that my dad is a funny person. When i was a kid, he will take me out and bring me to somewhere happy. We would bring the dog out for a walk every night after dinner and talk. I still remember he brings me to pasar malam every tuesday and i would buy a lot of stuff . I knew my dad loves the dog very very much and he would pat the dog every night he comes home and gives the dog a bath every weekend. He loves xiu mai very much and he loves to eat near the temple few yards from our house. We would walk there every sunday and he would order fried food (his favourite) and i would eat with him with my sister. My dad never really get emo before as i know it because he is the good heart man and my mom used to say that i should learn his goodman attitude as i get piss off very easily. That is why now i am on the anger management thingy although i know that i do not get angry a lot except in games. Maybe i put too much focus in games that i get upset easily when i lose the game. This upset thing needs to get into studies and if this happens, i am sure my results would go like flying colors in no time. I got my dad's watch with me and a photo of him in my room. I also got one of his shirts in my bag. My dad is a noble man. He forgives easily and he never scolds me although i got a bad results. He would say,"You can do better than this" and i regretted for not giving my best when he is here with me. I regretted for taking my dad for granted but one thing for sure is that i love him and i will always do because i know he loves me too. I am sorry,dad. I promise i will make it up to you and i love you.

It's been a long time ..

Hmmmm, how long have i not blog ? very long. I know there is noone reading so i blog very little recently. Good news . I'm in love with this girl. It felt abit weird from the beginning and i wondered before how i fell for her. I did not know until i realized it and i did not regret falling in love with her as she helped me a lot in my daily life and "tapao" lunch for me. She is not like other ordinary girl because i don't think she is ordinary at all. She is the president of some clubs, busy with events and she is too good to her friends. Which part of her attracts me? I have a lot to say about this because she had a lot of things that i don't know about before this and i think i need to know her more to give her more love and appreciation for what she had done for me. I haven't do a thing touching or worth saying yet but i am working on it. She don't want me to wake her up at 7am because she wants me to get more sleep;she don't want me to skip lunch because she knows that i can get gastric easily if i did not take my lunch; she will accompany me along the way when i am driving on the road even though i told her to get some rest; she shared with me her scarf when i felt cold in the cinema the other day and she did not mind if i fell asleep halfway messaging with her. There a lot more that she did and i haven't ask her to be my girlfriend yet, how dumb am i. She is helpful, too kind to others and she never blamed others for what they did wrong. She will just say what she did wrong and not look from other people's perspective. I tried to say that it's not her fault but she will just take all the blame onto herself and i feel sad seeing her taking all the blame by herself.

Oh, i haven't talk about which part of her attracts me. Maybe it's her spirit and her passion that pulls me towards her. Other than her natural beauty, i think that the sacrifice she made is one of the most important thing made me fell for her. She is just too committed into doing something and would not stop until it is done. I asked her to secretly go back room to get rest or have a bath and she insisted that she wanna stay although she knew that she is already exhausted and tired. I think i was too shy in communicating with her and i need to be more caring and show more affection towards her . She always say me sweet talk and maybe i am just sweet-talking too much that she get a bit suspicious of it. I think. I am still thinking of when to ask her to be my girlfriend as this is important for me. She is important to me. I fell for her. I like her. I love her. And i do not want to lose her.

It is disappointing.

I didn't know what happen to me these few months. Things just keep changing, including me. I did change to good for a while but the unwanted attitude came back to me just few weeks before this and i have noone to blame but to blame myself. I was playful. I was silly. I was unaware of my situation. I was careless. It was terrible. Unimaginable. Over. Test 1 results are out and i failed most of it. It was disappointing. I don't know what to do. I am walking forward blindly. I was not careful enough. I slacked off. 21 days changes were abandoned. What am i gonna tell them this wednesday? It is still early? I wasn't even focused in anything at all? Worrying now is not worth it. I need immediate action. Example? I am still figuring this out. Hope i get through this semester and if I don't predict the worst scenario, the worst scenario will be expecting me. I need not to change but to focus and focus and focus. This is too important for me. What am i busying with? I will no excuse for this time failure and i do not want to try this again. Procrastination kills me slowly.

Realize and improvise

I realize where the problem is just now when i was laying in my bed. My problem is that i am too focused at the laptop. I am trying to find something to do at my laptop rather than reading a book or even a slide of lecture notes. This seems very bad and i need to do something to change this situation. I need to put a book beside the laptop 24 hours a day and when i see the book beside me i will realize that i am too addicted to the internet and may take a look at the book. I have to keep a clear and straight mind now as i want to be more excellent than last semester. Last semester was all rubbish but i learned something out of it. So, i am not going to repeat my mistakes again this semester. No more failures, for now. I need to remind myself all the time that i am still a scholar and i am not going to stop or get kick out just like that. I cannot afford to bear the consequences if i were to be kicked out by the university. Leaders always think of the worst consequences does not mean that they will not think of the best out of it. We got to think big, think wisely and if a mistake occurs, take it as a lesson and move on. Do not do anything stupid that will harm yourself as this is useless and only makes your family more worry about you. You have to look at the present because if you do not work hard at the present time, what will happen in the future? Only God knows.

Comes right by.

How will you feel if failure comes after failure? I seriously do not like the feeling of this but it is only temporary as i am gonna change the future. Failure after failure? No problem. It is for us to learn and realise what is wrong and right. Sometimes we just cannot take things too seriously as it will cause us tension and discomfort in out heart. We have to let it go. Pain comes and goes. It does not stay long because it is for you to experience, not to stick with during your whole life. We gotta open our mind up. Some things can be done and some things cannot be done even if you forced it to. It would not happen and lessen the dreaming part. We got to look at the reality. It is not about dream anymore. It's about how you face the reality and get over it. We cannot just stop at a certain failure and be stagnant. Learn and move on so that we will not repeat the mistake again and again. What if you wanna love someone but you do not dare to? Loving someone can be painful or the other way round. It always comes back to the origin. How do you see things. Do you think that loving someone is painful? It is hard to say. When the time comes, there is no need to hold on to the end and make both sides suffer the consequences. When it is time to let go, let go. There is nothing to regret about it as you love that person truthfully and when love have to end, there is no way stopping it. You are just forcing yourself going through a harder time with the other partner and this hurts both sides. When you let go, think about the past is alright and these are all memories that is worth keeping. If you are not able to let something pass through your mind, you will carry that in your mind for a long time and it will deteriorates you physically and mentally. Like me, i am being pulled into a tough situation as i haven't let go what i should have let go long time ago. I will just thinking of it everyday and this "thing" is gonna consume me one day . Until now, i am still trying to get over it and it seems impossible but if you are willing to let it go someday in the future, you will feel much more freedom,relief and happiness around you rather than keeping those painful memories with you until you die.

Promise.

I am back at my university. It is a cold night. Everybody is asleep except me? I don't know. I am still waiting for the train to come. Waiting and waiting. I waited for more than two hours. The train is still far from where it should be. I am losing my patience. Time is running out. I am feeling colder each second. Cold wind travels into the station through wind and i can feel the chill as i am half naked. My mind is getting tired and i just keep rubbing my hands. The cold was unavoidable. I had expected the worst. This is just the starting. Wait until midnight. It could be disaster. I am sleepy and tired and my mind is reacting negatively. This is not good. I just need to have patience for a while more. I believe the train will come. It will,will it? Doubts starts to form in my brain.It was not the end of my life. The cold just keep coming and my determination did not fade just like that because i am very confident that the train will come at any time now. It is already half past two. There are nobody at the station except me and the chilling weather. I heard the sound of the animals at night and i was wondering if they could bring me to where i want to go. I start to imagine. Walls and roads start to form in front of me and i was brought into another place within my mind and the cold went off for a while. I can feel the sun above me and sweats just flow down my face and i knew that i was at the station once again at noon. I am still alone at the station and i looked around for faces. What i saw was nothing more than a station and silence had been filling the station for quite a while. I was worried. The clock had stopped and i do not know the time. Suddenly, i heard the sound of a cat calling for its children. The sound came from far far away and i did not want to follow where the sound goes as i am lost as well. I felt the cold again. It was a weird feeling because i still see the sun above me and sweats are still on my face. Am i dreaming? Is this a fantasy? Am i getting insane? I am not. At last, i saw the head of the train appear from the hillside and i knew that i was going to board the train.